Anger is a common emotion, familiar to everyone. We see it in the news, on social media, and sometimes in our personal lives. As a counselor with over 16 years of experience working with couples, I have gained insights into the nature of anger that you might find useful.
Insight #1: Anger is a secondary emotion.
It is helpful for people to know that anger never stands alone as an emotion. Anger works to cover other unwanted primary emotions. Anger is not the root emotion but is secondary to other emotions like fear, hurt, guilt, shame, embarrassment, loneliness, frustration, injustice, and sometimes even depression, basically any uncomfortable, unwanted emotion.
Example:
Imagine Sarah and John, a couple who have been together for five years. Recently, Sarah has been feeling neglected because John has been working late nights and weekends on a big project. One evening, John comes home late again, and Sarah explodes in anger, shouting about how he never prioritizes their relationship.
On the surface, it seems like Sarah is just angry. However, if we dig deeper, we find that her anger is masking several primary emotions:
Hurt: Sarah feels emotional pain because she perceives John's long hours as a sign that he doesn't care about their relationship.
Loneliness: She feels isolated and misses the companionship they used to share.
Fear: Sarah is anxious about the future of their relationship, worrying that they are drifting apart.
By recognizing these underlying emotions, Sarah and John can have a more meaningful conversation. Instead of responding defensively to her anger, John can understand her deeper feelings and reassure her of his commitment. They can then work together to find a balance between his work and their relationship, addressing the root cause of the anger and strengthening their bond.
Insight #2: Anger is purposeful and seeks a benefit.
Anger often seeks a specific benefit, whether real or imagined. It typically aims to keep someone away, change another person’s behavior, or gain more attention. Here are short examples of each scenario:
*Anger as a Way to Keep Someone Away
Example: Alex and Sam are roommates. Alex values personal space and quiet time after work. One day, Sam's friends come over unexpectedly and stay late, making a lot of noise. Alex bursts into anger, yelling at Sam and his friends to leave.
Goal: Alex's anger is trying to keep Sam's friends away, preserving his personal space and quiet time.
*Anger as a Way to Change Another Person’s Behavior
Example: Emma is frustrated with her partner, Liam, who frequently leaves dirty dishes in the sink. One evening, she comes home to find the sink overflowing with dishes again. She angrily confronts Liam, demanding he clean up immediately.
Goal: Emma's anger is an attempt to change Liam's behavior, wanting him to be more responsible with household chores.
*Anger as a Bid for Connection
Example: Mia feels neglected because her boyfriend, Jake, has been spending a lot of time playing video games instead of with her. One night, after he spends hours gaming, Mia snaps and accuses him of not caring about her.
Goal: Mia's anger is a bid for more attention from Jake, expressing her need for more quality time together.
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In each example anger seeks a benefit, but it also comes at a potential cost in the relationship. Unrestrained anger can erode emotional intimacy, damage trust, and foster resentment. – But, when couples focus on understanding the underlying goal of angry behavior, then couples can work toward alternative behaviors to anger that improve communication and the quality of their relationship. This is one thing we focus on at Holloway Marriage Workshops.
Insight #3: Anger is expressed in some form of aggression.
In relationships, anger can manifest in one of four ways:
Verbal Aggression: This includes shouting, insults, and other forms of verbal abuse. For instance, during a heated argument, one partner might resort to name-calling or harsh words, hurting the other deeply.
Physical Aggression: This involves physical actions like hitting, pushing, or destroying property. Even the threat of physical action is considered physical aggression.
Passive Aggression: This is a more subtle form, such as withholding intimacy, giving the silent treatment, or making snide remarks instead of addressing issues directly.
Self-Directed Aggression: This involves harming oneself, either physically or emotionally, such as through drug or alcohol abuse, anxiety or depression, or personal neglect.
Understanding how anger is expressed through aggression is useful, because it is often the first clue that something in how couples problem solve and manage conflict needs to change. -- If you would like to learn more about anger and relationships you can join one of our Holloway Marriage Workshops, where we dive deeper into the topics of anger, friendship building, and emotional intimacy.
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